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Exposed: The Secret Language of Computers

Scuzzy interface? Gooey software? You don't need Brillo, just a crash course in jargon. Now that Live Wire has zapped techno-phobia, we need to talk about, well, talking. Yep, the verbal facility that women are said to possess in abundance. It's time we turned our way with words into a tool to help us prosper technically.

Technical vocabularies contain precise terms that allow geeky people (and great scientists) to speak the same language. Those same geeks feel way cool for knowing the lingo. They use it almost without thinking-partly because it's their world, partly as a way to separate themselves from the rest of the pack.

It works; in fact, it works so well that without some basic knowledge of technology's vocabulary, many of us cannot begin to comprehend or take part in basic computing discussions. Take this sentence from the March 1996 issue of PC Computing. "Each application sports a visual interface with user-extendable palettes that have Windows 95 controls and the building blocks for creating OLE servers and clients."

And that's an easy one.

It's tempting to tune out all those acronyms. Certainly, the computer industry has not done enough to make its wares warm and fuzzy. Computer pros often condescend to those of us who don't know a SCSI (there's your "scuzzy") interface from an EISA bus-and then wonder why sales drop. More infuriating, they respond not by making existing products truly user-friendly but instead by adding more features, the "bells and whistles" that are supposed to make us want to scream and shout.

They make me want to scream, all right. But I've been inside the computer business and I know why they do this-they have to make money by at least seeming to innovate. Like new car models that come out every year, but with the same smelly engines and the same rubber tires. And now that you know this not-so-secret secret, it's time to deal with its insidious effects on you.

Language is the key. You can conquer jargon through curiosity, accuracy and repetition. Here's how:

Curiosity: Ask questions. Everybody knows somebody who's good with computers, and usually those people are delighted to hold forth as experts. You'll need to overcome a fear of looking stupid-worth getting over anyway-and to ask your designated expert to drive slowly. Hold up a "stop" sign whenever you don't understand a word or phrase. And yield to the fact that the jargon isn't going to go away.

Also, follow your nose to the library, the bookstore and the newsstand for simply written guides to personal computing. Even Consumer Reports publishes a basic guide. Rather than search for the single most authoritative reference (there isn't any), start with something you find easy to read. If you're a true beginner, you'll need some time to master basic terms, from "display" (the TV-like tube) to "hard drive" (the rigid, sealed disk that stores information). For a while, it may swim before your eyes. In time, you'll comprehend. Then you'll know the truth about technical writing-a lot of it is really bad!

One caution for beginners: Steer clear of high-pressure publications such as Byte and PC Computing; they'll only make it worse. You'll probably be more in tune with Home Office Computing and PC Novice.

Accuracy: It's cute when kids talk about their stuff, and stuff like that, but it's not cute when fuzzy language deprives you of the help you need. Technical language is precise for a very good reason: it can be universally understood without ambiguity. If there's one thing I'd like you to try, it's to apply the correct words to the parts and problems you're describing. That means memorizing the words and their meanings, possibly even more fun than reading aloud from the Yellow Pages. But once you've nailed the difference between your C: drive and your A: drive, you'll be in business. And you'll earn the respect of technical support people, who know that problems are unavoidable but sloppy thinking isn't.

Repetition: Do you really think that programmers are born with special genes for C++ (a hot programming language)? Nah. They've just worked with it over and over again, until it's second nature. As you study the language and converse about computers, stay on the basic level until you're sick of it. You'll need a foundation in PC parts, such as hard and floppy drives, circuit cards of different types, and all those fabulous "peripheral" devices-printers, speakers, joysticks. You'll need to know what kind of operating system you use and why it matters. Also, construct your mental framework for the different kinds of software "applications," or programs. Once you know that the part you look at ain't the part that does the work, you'll be ready to start.

Now, let's clean up that gooey interface. It's really a GUI, or graphical user interface-a fancy way of saying that you tell the computer what to do not with words, but with pictures. Only they're not pictures, they're "icons"-pretty magnificent, huh? If you've seen or used a Macintosh computer or one with Windows, you've seen a GUI's pictorial "buttons" on the screen.

So when are we going to get our hands on a keyboard? Maybe next month. First, I want to make sure we're all reading from the same manual. And still awake.

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